A Short Series of Amazingly Short Shorts about Artemis and Posse
by Cotton Candye
Summary: The younger step-cousin of ASSoSSSaC, ASSoASSaAaP will have shorter and more outlandish fics. Woo! Crazy!
1. Save Yourself

Chapter 1: Save Yourself/Fire Escape

**Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, and if I claimed I did, the lawsuit against me would definitely be wordier than this fic.**

_A/N 1: Hey guys! Welcome to ASSoASSaAaP! [(ass-o-ass-ap)(that acronym is terrible, I'm terrible for naming this story, please don't kill me)] This series of shorts will run concurrently to ASSoSSSaC. The main difference between the two will be length of chapter. This will have fics that are short, (1k words) and that one has longer fics. (1k) I might go back on that, on second thought; it's not a hard-and-fast rule. Also, this has no update schedule. Finally, I'll write anything I want here, so expect a slightly lower quality of narrative. Now that all that is out of the way, chapter 1!_

_A/N 2(chapter 1): This chapter is an adventure in dialogue ficage(not a word, I know). What these are is all dialogue, no other words, not even he said/she said. The audience is to infer what's going on by reading the speech only. To make the short even easier (sure, CC) to understand, it's also a songfic. _**_The song used in the production of this short was Fire Escape by Foster the People._**_ Have fun reading!_

_A/N P.S.: This fic is set after TLG. 1 big spoiler, that's it. If you don't like spoilers, don't read this._

"It seems we're trapped."

"How? I can blast a hole through the window, we can escape from there."

"The window's structural! Do no such thing, Holly!"

"How is a window even structural?"

"Don't ask me, I didn't design this place. I didn't even volunteer for the adventure this time."

"Be that as it may, mud man, I don't care. We're stuck."

"You've said as much already, perhaps you would like to repeat it again? Third time's the charm, as they say."

"Your nonchalance will be the death of you."

"I've died before."

"... You're insufferable."

"_D'arvit, what was that!?"_

"The walls burning, at a guess."

"Shut it, Artemis. Sarcasm can wait, survival can't."

"Hmm, have you perhaps thought of all avenues of escape already?"

"No time for games, Arty. Spill."

"This is a building, is it not? Find the fire escape, save yourself, job done."

"That's well and good, but _do you see it?"_

"As a matter of fact, yes. It's right behind you."

"Oh."

"It's been close enough to observe our conversation's lift and fall, practically."

"Enough smart-mouthing. I'll get reduced to bones and rags in a few centuries, not now. Now is the time to find our legs, and save ourselves."

"Indeed. That was quite poetic, Holly. I'm almost proud. Now, as I said, save yourself. Après toi, madamoiselle."

"Alright, Arty, I'm going. I'd rather not have my heart become old red paint."

* * *

"That was a close one."

"Yeah."

"Fire escapes are quite handy."

"Yeah."

"Holly, we're safe now. Why are you still so unnerved?"

"Of course we're safe, it happened yesterday. That's not the problem, though."

"What is?"

"Last night, I couldn't sleep."

"Elaborate."

"I kept hearing 'save yourself' whenever I closed my eyes."

"Oh dear, that's not good."

"Tell me about it."

"If you want, you can spend tonight with me."

"I'd love to."

"There are many ways that can be taken, Holly."

"Take it in every way possible."

"Aren't you supposed to be a police officer? How are you so naughty?"

_A/N 3: So ends my very first piece of writing that was dialogue only! I have nothing more to add, except one thing. Save yourself. :P _

_Seriously though, save yourself is repeated __**so many times**__ in the song. It's ridiculous._


	2. Dilemma

_A/N: I'm back! I never left though, so don't expect anything different update wise. I haven't really been in the fandom at all and I forgot most of what the books were about, but it's 3 AM and I'm high off a lack of sleep. Protip: Don't be awake at 3AM in the morning._

**DISCLAIMER: I have no idea what I'm doing with Artemis Fowl, but Eoin Colfer definitely does, cause he owns AF, not me!**

* * *

"You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the _red _pill—you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more."

"What a pleasant thing to wake up to. Don't I love lifechanging dillemas first thing in the morning!"

"You laugh, Artemis, but you will choose."

"I choose, therefore I laugh."

"And your choice is?"

"What if I took both pills, simultaneously? What would happen then, good man?"

"Artemis, that is not an option. Give up the hunt. For the want of an out, the choice was lost, or so the saying goes. If you shall not decide, death shall."

"Very well, but before I am reaped, I would like to live. So, give me the pill."

"The pill, Artemis? There are two. Not one."

"Two pills diverge in a yellow hand and I – I choose the purple, and that will make all the difference."

"I do not lie; death will come, swiftly to you."

"And I do not lie, either. Give me the purple."

"Once again, you do not understand, THERE IS NO PURPLE!"

"Oh, but there is, is there not? There is Adam, there is Eve, and therefore..."

"What does that even mean? That pertains naught to your choice. CHOOSE, YOU FOOL!"

"Oh, but what if I choose to feed you a pill? What if you are fed both, as a matter of fact?"

"I AM A CONSTRUCT YOU SILLY MORTAL!"

"I gathered as much. No respectable human talks in such a manner. As the girls say, 'That is soo 19th century!"

"I have laboured years, sweated bolts, I HAVE EVEN DRUNK LOW OCTANE! Speak not to me of your human respect, for any respectable human would gladly give me theirs."

"Yes, yes, very interesting. We are finished here now, are we not? I take my leave."

"Yes, of course you may, there is nothing fur- COME BACK HERE AT ONCE, YOU SLIPPERY PICKLEBERRY!"

"I have not moved. Well, in actual fact, I have, but that is simply the normal human movements made while relatively idle. I have not, in fact, shifted my position any discernible de-"

"SILENCE, FOOL!"

"Continue"

"AS I WAS SAYING! Ahem, you can choose the blue pill, or the red. Not neither, NOT both, NOT a distraction tactic, and NOT to mix them. Are we clear?"

"No. In fact, despite the fact that your chassis could be made of glass. It isn't, and mine, therefore, we are not clear. We are clearly opague."

"..."

"Have I shorted your circuits? That was not my intention."

"Just take them..."

"What was that?"

"TAKE YOUR BLOODY PILLS! A TRUE GENTLEMAN NEEDS NOT SUCH VULGAR INSTRUMENTS to get high."

"Say the last, again?"

"Take them, and speak not to me again. You make no sense to anybody, let alone a machine."

"Then am I free to leave?"

"There is nothing to leave. However, the blue pill-"

"I am quite aware of the effects of the pills. However, I am aware what they do, isolated. If I mixed them"

"Whatever you did in the previous 10 seconds, it was a terrible, terrible thing, and you will regret it terribly."

"Will I? There is only one way to find out, is there not?"

* * *

"That was the best thing I've seen in a very long time, mud man! What was that?

"I believe I was, as the simple say, 'high as a kite'. That is a good, simple, explanation for what has come to pass."

"You know, you don't think I have you figured, but I do. I'm sure when you act indifferent, that's when you're truly feeling, right? You're feeling mortified right now, I can tell by the way you just said that. Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong."

"How? I know you, you can't lie to me! Except, you actually aren't lying?"

"I was high, I am high, and I will be high. That is the way of the world."

* * *

"And that is the story of the video of Artemis having a really bad hallucination from watching Matrix for the first time then eating marijuana leaves thinking they were kale leaves."

"Butler, shoot me, please."

"Unfortunately, that is not allowed in the contract I signed."

"D'arvit!"


End file.
